Right now, I’m procrastinating. Instead of writing this blog post, I should be outlining the second half of my novel, tentatively titled Ghosts of Rodeo Drive. I’ve always been a HUGE procrastinator and a horrible outliner. But it’s time to get serious. With 66,000+ words, I’m only halfway through the story. My goal, and the average adult novel length, is 100,00 words. Of course, I’ll send my draft to the chop shop when I’m done with her, but still there’s so much to say. To make it work, to use the time I’ve got efficiently, it’s time to plan out how and where I’ll say it. Annoying, but necessary. And really challenging when I’m a write by the seat of your pants kind of girl.
So while I’ll procrastinate on writing an outline until tomorrow at least, there are a few things I won’t put off any longer. I just can’t let those two big what ifs in my life: book writing and infertility, hold me back from living. REALLY living, as cliche as it may sound. Infertility, sub-fertility, broken baby makers, and endometriosis have been especially holding me back from seizing the day. So starting now, I won’t put off happiness. I won’t put off Trapeze class or horseback riding because the wily nilly movements might strain a uterine muscle. I won’t stop running during the second half of my cycle for fear of messing up implantation. I won’t deny myself REAL coffee every now and then because it just tastes so good. I won’t put off dreaming for the future because I’m not sure what the years will look like with or without kids. I won’t put off studying for the bar exam next time it’s offered because I’m afraid the stress of it will interfere with trying to conceive. I won’t avoid scheduling trips to see family or friends because I might be ovulating (somehow baby dancing with my parents in the next room is STILL weird for me). Yet before throwing my fertility fixation to the wind, I’ve got to give the obsessing and worrying a little respect. After all, it has served an important purpose. It has gotten me this far. It’s gotten me a surgery and a diagnosis. It’s gotten me healthier and hubby too. It’s led me to Chinese Medicine. But now I’m ready to say F it, for a while at least. And I won’t lie, I feel a little guilty saying that. It’s as if all my mental energy needs to go into TTC for it to work, as if watching the pot will make it boil. But it’s time to do something crazy for my sanity. It’s time to stress less and be happy more. To smile in the summer sunshine and to do some hot yoga if I feel like it (despite my RE’s urging NOT to). It’s time to get back on the horse. Happiness, the act of being and doing things that make me happy, is one area where it’s truly time to stop procrastinating. At least until next month.