Procrastination & why I’m not putting off happiness

Horsesays

Right now, I’m procrastinating. Instead of writing this blog post, I should be outlining the second half of my novel, tentatively titled Ghosts of Rodeo Drive. I’ve always been a HUGE procrastinator and a horrible outliner. But it’s time to get serious. With 66,000+ words, I’m only halfway through the story. My goal, and the average adult novel length, is 100,00 words. Of course, I’ll send my draft to the chop shop when I’m done with her, but still there’s so much to say. To make it work, to use the time I’ve got efficiently, it’s time to plan out how and where I’ll say it. Annoying, but necessary. And really challenging when I’m a write by the seat of your pants kind of girl.

So while I’ll procrastinate on writing an outline until tomorrow at least, there are a few things I won’t put off any longer. I just can’t let those two big what ifs in my life: book writing and infertility, hold me back from living. REALLY living, as cliche as it may sound. Infertility, sub-fertility, broken baby makers, and endometriosis have been especially holding me back from seizing the day. So starting now, I won’t put off happiness. I won’t put off Trapeze class or horseback riding because the wily nilly movements might strain a uterine muscle. I won’t stop running during the second half of my cycle for fear of messing up implantation. I won’t deny myself REAL coffee every now and then because it just tastes so good.  I won’t put off dreaming for the future because I’m not sure what the years will look like with or without kids. I won’t put off studying for the bar exam next time it’s offered because I’m afraid the stress of it will interfere with trying to conceive. I won’t avoid scheduling trips to see family or friends because I might be ovulating (somehow baby dancing with my parents in the next room is STILL weird for me). Yet before throwing my fertility fixation to the wind, I’ve got to give the obsessing and worrying a little respect. After all, it has served an important purpose. It has gotten me this far. It’s gotten me a surgery and a diagnosis. It’s gotten me healthier and hubby too. It’s led me to Chinese Medicine. But now I’m ready to say F it, for a while at least. And I won’t lie, I feel a little guilty saying that. It’s as if all my mental energy needs to go into TTC for it to work, as if watching the pot will make it boil. But it’s time to do something crazy for my sanity. It’s time to stress less and be happy more. To smile in the summer sunshine and to do some hot yoga if I feel like it (despite my RE’s urging NOT to).  It’s time to get back on the horse. Happiness, the act of being and doing things that make me happy,  is one area where it’s truly time to stop procrastinating. At least until next month.

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14 comments

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  1. gardengirl29

    I think that’s great. I think all that stuff in moderation is fine to do during the two-week wait, and you will be just a little bit happier. Screw all that deprivation!

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  2. jack joseph's mom

    I think we all feel this way. I know I do. We want to be happy in our lives and really live, but infertility is holding us back. I sometimes wonder “what’s the point?” of doing all the “good” things and working so hard towards something that may never happen. Especially when it means I put the rest of my life on hold, I’m not happy, and being good has become so stressful and so much work. Hugs, friend. Go live!

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    • Steph Mignon

      I’m honestly so over it and I’m going to ride this wave of nonchalance for as long as I can! I still care and want to have a baby, but there’s so much more to me than that, ya know? I’m sure you can relate. 😉

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  3. anexpatinuk

    This makes so much sense. It is so easy to put off the fun stuff that makes us feel good and happy in daily life when going through rough times. Like we are punishing ourselves even more, thinking it is for our best because what if.

    A little time off won’t hurt, who knows, you might finish that novel in no time afterwards! But yeah, I’m a big ‘I’ll do it later’ kind of person too.

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  4. anexpatinuk

    This makes so much sense. It’s so easy to let go of the joys in life, putting them off until later because of all the what ifs surrounding fertility.

    A little time off won’t hurt, who knows, maybe you’ll finish that novel in no time afterwards!

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    • Steph Mignon

      Seriously. I can’t be paralyzed by infertility any longer. I’ll do what I can, but try to use most of my physical and mental energy to actually enjoy life again. Amen!

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  5. jesselyn6585

    You shouldn’t feel guilty because you feel like saying eff it! We all go through that. And if that’s what you need to do for your mental health at the moment, it’s exactly what you should do. Sending strength and courage. ❤

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