Negative Nelly

*Very negative pregnancy related post warning!*

I have succeeded in convincing myself that something is wrong with this pregnancy. That I have a blighted ovum. Or an ectopic. Or another triploidy fetus. Because just like last time, I am nearly symptom free. I did have some fuzzy brained fatigue that lasted all weekend no matter how much I slept, but today I feel decidedly normal. No bloat. No fuzzy brain. No nothing.

“SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR LACK OF SYMPTOMS ALREADY!” I’m sure you want to say. I’m trying to be positive guys, I really am. I just hoped for some signs this time. I hoped for something to set this pregnancy apart.

Supposedly I am 5 weeks today, but I feel less pregnant now than I did just yesterday. Isn’t life grand!? I’ve been tempted to reschedule my ultrasound from Friday to, say, tomorrow to rule out an ectopic, but then I’d just have to go back Friday anyway to try to spot a heartbeat. It’s probably best just to wait it out until Friday, right? Certainly doesn’t help that these wonderful progesterone inserts could be masking a miscarriage.

As for the job, of course there’s been no word and I don’t expect there to be aside from a nerve grating rejection email. Strangely, this is one area where I’m actually feeling positive. The right thing will come. In the meantime I can keep working from home for my current employer. I can keep slugging away at my book. I can keep dreaming about what my perfect job looks like. I DO have much to be thankful for and I’m sorry if I sound like an ungrateful child.

Now for a question: Any of you reading this who miscarried on progesterone…. did you have a missed miscarriage or did the bleeding start while you were on the drugs? I have been obsessively checking my panty liner like a lunatic.

 

 

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16 comments

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  1. gradualchanges

    Ok I’m gonna say it. Don’t slap me… Just relax sister. When I was pregnant I was convinced it was ectopic but nope it was fine. All the worrying and stress was over nothing. I understand and totally validate your desire for some symptoms, anything you can take as a positive sign. But I think you just have to try to be positive and believe that even if you’re not feeling symptom-y all the time that everything is fine. If it is not, there is nothing more you can do. So stop living in (totally understandable and justifiable) fear and spend your mental energy on good thoughts. Hugs.

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  2. Steph Mignon

    Ok ok! I’m actually feeling better already that I got it out. And you’re totally right. There’s absolutely NOTHING I can do to change the outcome so I just have to get through each day.

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  3. gardengirl29

    My symptoms were so sporadic. The few times I would get a symptom (like sore breasts, queasiness, increased hunger, tiredness, or bloating), the symptom would quickly disappear, and I would work myself into a frenzy over a missed miscarriage, thinking that was the explanation for the symptom’s disappearance. To make things worse, my symptoms showed up very briefly during early pregnancy, were hardly noticeable, and then decreased as time went on. I was so worried I had experienced a missed miscarriage. Each time I had an ultrasound, I would be so nervous beforehand, and afterward in such disbelief that there was something in there because I felt so darn normal.

    I so know what you are going through and totally empathize! The pregnant body is a tricky, nerve-grating thing! Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that just because you have a sense of foreboding that something bad is happening, it doesn’t mean that it is. =) Since then, I’ve talked with so many people about their pregnancies and have realized how very, very different everyone’s experiences are. I kind of wish those stupid pregnancy websites would have disclaimers on them stating just how different people’s symptoms are. Plus, most people aren’t feeling much at 5 weeks. =)

    Hugs and sending good thoughts your way before your first ultrasound! Friday, come fast!

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    • gardengirl29

      It does feel better to worry aloud. I did that plenty of times with Matt! And, like we talked about, sometimes it’s easier psychologically to assume it won’t work out, for some sick reason! So vent away! =)

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  4. cassiedash

    I worried about masking a miscarriage while taking my progesterone, too. And I think it can happen. But I’ve heard many, many more stories of women who lost a baby and started to bleed, even though they were taking the progesterone. So try not to worry about that too much, okay? Or symptoms. 5 weeks is still so early! Most women don’t feel anything until 6-8 weeks and, sometimes, even later. Or not at all. So don’t give up hope yet!

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    • Steph Mignon

      You’re right – giving up now is ridiculous! And I too read those stories about women who started to bleed despite the progesterone. Now it’s time to pull my head out of my ass and think positive!

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  5. SM

    I started bleeding even while taking progesterone. I’ve heard of some women having missed miscarriages while on it, but that wasn’t the case for me.

    Take it one day at a time, friend. Symptoms mean absolutely nothing. I had tons of srymptoms with my first pregnancy and lost it. I had no symptoms with my 2nd and 3rd and lost both of those. I had symptoms with my 4th and lost it. I didn’t have any symptoms with this pregnancy until later and I’m 27 weeks today. Symptoms do not make or break a pregnancy. I’m holding on to hope for you, sweetie!

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    • Steph Mignon

      Though I’m sorry to hear about your multiple miscarriages, your story did make me think. Symptoms or no symptoms, I could still miscarry. So I guess all that’s left to do is to NOT worry since it seems I have no control regardless! Thanks so much for sharing. 🙂

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  6. barrenbetty

    I just wrote practically the same blog post! Apart from mine is much more badly written and has a high percentage chance of spelling mistakes. I had a few symptoms on and off, but they have well and truly left the building now… I’m wondering if I even imagined them? Good luck for your scan on Friday, God I wish mine was Friday! I’m going to have turned completely mental by Monday next week xx

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    • Steph Mignon

      We are a troubled lot, aren’t we? I just read your post and am headed over there now to comment. I think what I’ve taken from my comments here is that with or without symptoms miscarriage could still happen. It’s out of our control which totally and completely sucks. Yet, I think I’m ready to be positive again!

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  7. redbluebird

    My stupid iPhone totally added that comment I made to the wrong blog. Although, I guess it’s sort of relevant…
    5 weeks is still really early for symptoms. I think I only had some mild cramping at that point (cramping is normal, but terrifying!!). I’d wait for Friday. Even that could be early to see a heartbeat, right?
    Your progesterone numbers were high enough when tested that I doubt the supplements are making much of a difference at this point. It’s scary, but Friday will be here soon!

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  8. JustMe

    I’m sure it doesn’t help, but as everyone as said, “It’s totally normal.” I didn’t have symptoms until around 6.5 weeks and even then, nothing much. But, I think really the only thing that’s going to help here is just time. So here’s hoping the minutes tick by quickly and uneventfully.

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  9. Daryl

    Holding my breath right along with you until Friday! I was feeling really negative about not having much for symptoms until I talked to my sister, and she said it was the same for her pregnancy. But I think most women don’t feel much this early. I wish there was a window we could look into to see what’s going on in there, but until the u/s, we just have to wait it out. Thinking positive thoughts for you!

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