Paranoia will destroy ya & the wack shit friends say

First and foremost, thank you all for your heartfelt congrats.  Of course paranoid me didn’t allow myself to bask in them for long for fear of 1. Jinxing things (ridiculous I know), 2. getting my hopes up, and 3. getting my hopes up. I just can’t. Not yet. Especially since I’m feeling less pregnant recently.

As of Sunday, my nausea has decreased dramatically. I still have moments, especially before and after dinner time, where I have traces of it, but it seems to be on hiatus currently. Am I worried? Abso-f’ing-lutely. But in scanning my baby center posts I see that I posted “Nausea come & go” on August 14 which was last Wednesday only to have the weekend from hell. Sure I didn’t puke, but doing so may have been better than feeling like my guts would explode at any minute. Now I’m fine-ish. My boobs are less sore even. I have a tad bit more energy. No bleeding, no cramps, but we all know how this goes. Symptoms or no symptoms anything can happen. I’ve just got to continue waiting, hoping, and praying. Speaking of praying, I’m not a religious person, but I do pray. Yet, I can’t bring myself to say things like, “God, please, please, PLEASE, don’t let me miscarry.” My prayers go more like this, “God, let it work out as it should. Let nature run its course. And let me be strong enough to handle it.” I really do want that – for nature to unfold as it should so that a healthy baby comes from all this now or eventually. I know, I know I sound negative, but with Symptom Vanish 2013 can you blame me? At 7 weeks 1 day, I’m feeling more normal by the second. My next scan isn’t until Monday because we have family in town, family I’m not comfortable bringing to the fertility clinic, but I might just have to see if they can fit me in. I’m worried.

In other news, I think either I’ve made some bad decisions in choosing and investing in my friendships or people are just assholes. In the last week two friends have said things to me that are so totally obnoxious I must ask you to brace yourself. Seriously. I’ll start with the lesser of the two evils.

Shame on Me

Evil # 1. Last week when recounting to one of my supposed best friends about my miscarriage fear and the spotting she proceeded to go on a tirade about how happy she is she isn’t married and how disgusted she is by the thought of having and caring for children.  I’ve heard this before. Like a billion times. I respect her stance on it. But why say it again and again and why then in my vulnerable moment? We weren’t talking about her, we were talking about ME and MY fear. THEN, she changed the subject and said, “I wish I had moved to Los Angeles sooner.” To which I replied, “oh because you’re happy you’re getting your career started?” A little background: We met in Hawaii where she remained and struggled financially for years because there are no decent paying jobs for alcoholics who prefer to party and call in sick (yes, she’s an in denial alcoholic but more on that later). When she moved here a year ago, I convinced my old employer to hire her despite the fact that she was vastly under-qualified. She still works there today and is keeping it together (i.e. not getting fired and actually shining in her roll there, by her accounts at least). So of course I logically thought she was talking about how much better and more stable her life is NOW. But nope she was talking about me.

“Things are just so different with you now,” she said in a dismissive, disgusted voice, as if the mere fact that I had (hopefully have) a baby growing inside me makes me some sort of alien creature. Like her feelings about marriage and children, this topic is a dead horse by now. I get that’s she bummed I am no longer her partner in partying crime (after MAJOR drama I finally told her I would no longer drink with her because I wasn’t comfortable with the dark place she took her drinking too). I get that she’s bummed that I’m married now and less available. We’ve been through all this again and again and again. Between that and the family slamming I said, “You’re a shitty friend” and hung up on her. I proceeded to text that things have been “different” long before she moved to Los Angeles and this point we either grow from here or I don’t know what else to say. She did not reply. Then yesterday, over a week later, she texted me like nothing happened. Her typical avoidant self had no idea why I hadn’t updated her on my ultrasound or that I was even mad at her. Right.

Reading over this, I realize I haven’t done a good job of accurately portraying the long history of pain and inconvenience I’ve incurred in this friendship. This person has put me through hell. Thrown up all over my house. Gotten me kicked out of places. Lost an expensive camera of mine during a drinking binge. Had a tantrum at my wedding that both embarrassed and insulted me, while also being completely absent from most of my pre-wedding activities that week. I could go on and on and on. And in describing this I realize it’s to the point of  Shame On Me. If I continue to allow this person to manipulate me, to shit on me, to take advantage of my kindness I’m just as much a part of the problem. As my fortune in Harper’s Bizarre said this month: “You teach people how to treat you.” I’ve ALLOWED this shitty-ness to go on for far to long. And I think I’m done. I’ve fought so hard to keep this friendship alive, between hour-long pep talks about her drinking, to trying again and again to explain how she’d hurt my feelings the week of the wedding, to this without any change what so ever. I’m not the only one either, the entire circle sees it and has begun the dancing of backing away. I guess I’m the last sucker, but no more.

If you’re still reading you brave soul then you’re in for a treat with Evil #2. Ready? Here goes…

Another friend, who still lives in Hawaii, said this to me when we were chatting about my pregnancy: “Well you know, mixed babies are healthier than non-mixed babies.” Btw, she is half Asian and her husband is Caucasian. I was caught off guard so I didn’t interject just yet, which gave her time to twist the knife. The final thrust came in the form of the most ridiculous thing anyone has EVER SAID TO ME: “Well why do you think you and Merp have had a hard time trying to conceive. It’s because you are both Caucasian.”

My jaw drops to the floor even writing that. Can you f’ing believe the nerve!?

I proceeded to explain that I think her assumption is wildly incorrect, that it’s actually immunity, NOT RACE, that makes us ideal partners for one another. And that I have a serious disease that makes my body less receptive to conception. I also said that if that were the case than why do I see just as many same race couples in my RE’s office as I do mixed race ones? She didn’t have an answer for that, but then actually tried to argue with me saying she saw something in National Geographic that confirmed that she is indeed superior to me because she is mixed and that of course her daughter is also superior to my future children because she is also mixed (she didn’t actually say those last two things, but I swear that’s what she was implying).

Bad, right? Like WHO IS THIS PERSON. And what is wrong with ME that I am friends with someone who says stuff like this. Now in her defense she’s not always the sharpest tool in the shed and sometimes clings to ideas that perpetuate her own self-worth regardless of how ridiculous they are. I wouldn’t be surprised if she caught half of the NG article and came to this assumption without ever making it to the conclusion.  I’ve talked to her once since then and haven’t said anything, but I think I’m going to. Or is it pointless? And do I really care? It’s not my job to teach grown women about what is and isn’t appropriate to say to a person who has struggled with infertility.

So here I am, feeling less pregnant than I did yesterday, and realizing that there are three fools in this crazy friendship saga. The two mentioned above for being ass monkeys #1 and #2 and me, #3, for allowing it to go on as long as it has.

Once I love you, it’s hard for me to walk away. I had that problem when dating too – I stayed in many relationships that were unhealthy until I finally resolved to break the cycle. Whether it’s because I struggled with my own self worth (child abuse will do that) or because I’m loyal to a fault or a combination of the two, I wonder if I’m seeing things clearly. Do I cut the cord with #1? Confront #2? Or get my head examined?



Add Yours
  1. Lauren

    Friend, I understand the fear that you have of excitement over this pregnancy. I may only be 4.5 weeks into this one, but I’ve already realized that I’m connecting with this little one less than the others. I think I still fear the worst. I think my heart is still unsure how to proceed. Still, everything looks good for you dear 🙂 Everything looks good for your little one. Your body may actually be doing BETTER by having less symptoms. Perhaps you are actually adjusting to the hormones?

    On to your relationships…Yuck! I am so sorry! (And I though that I had some friends with bad attitudes.) Honestly, I think you drop them both. Perhaps confront #2. Right now, you need all of your energy and positivity to grow this little baby! It is not your current responsibility to fix friends who sabotage themselves and you. It is time to nurture and be nurtured 🙂 Perhaps find some people who are better at that? Honestly, my online blog is what provides much of that positive support for me.

    Hugs! I hope you continue to feel pregnant! 🙂


  2. jack joseph's mom

    I think it’s time to cut both friends loose. Just distance yourself – discussing anything or saying hurtful things to one another only prolongs the emotional attachment. These people sound miserable, sad and lonely and are only trying to drag you down with them. Don’t be dragged down! Free yourself of the stress and move forward happily! No regrets!


  3. cassiedash

    Oh, good grief. Your “friends”!!! I would argue they’re not really friends, but whatev… I do understand how hard it is to cut ties with someone you feel such loyalty to. I am exactly the same way. Like, EXACTLY. If their friendships are truly important to you, then I would suggest that you accept their MAJOR flaws, roll your eyes as much as you need to, and go on with your friendship in a way that is comfortable to you. But if you are realizing you don’t value their friendships that much, then I’d walk away before another sun sets. Don’t waste another breathe, thought, or second on them because you deserve so much better.

    And as for your pregnancy symptoms, I have found it very common for them to wax and wane on a minute-by-minute, daily, or weekly basis. Don’t lose heart, but maybe you should schedule another ultrasound this week if it would give you some peace of mind. Thinking of you and wishing you the very best! xo


  4. Isabelle

    After reading parts of your post to my hubby, he said, “I have said some ridiculous things in my life, but even I can’t imagine saying something so low.” This is referring to friend #2. She is absolutely out of her mind. Who are these people??

    I have never gotten pregnant but I know that the feelings of symptoms don’t equate how pregnant you are. But I can understand why you have the fears you have. I like your prayer and I’ll be thinking of you.


  5. Kasey

    Some people truly do lose their minds. I have a hard time letting go of friendships too- but sometimes it just has to be done. Praying for nothing but the best for you!


  6. gardengirl29

    Aw, early pregnancy symptoms are so evil! It’s true that they tend to wax and wane. It’s usually normal, but it’s awful that they play with our minds like that and scare us!

    Both of those friends seem really toxic. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with them. It’s always sad when you used to have a good connection with someone. The history makes it tough to “break up”. I fully support any decision you make and think you are completely justified in cutting ties. Life is too short to deal with selfish people who only raise your blood pressure.

    Hugs, friend! Hang in there. =)


  7. Fertility Doll

    I loved your reference to Harper’s Bazaar – it made me chuckle. My philosophy is that if people are shit, I just spend less time with them and if they’re really shit then I cut them out.

    I’d definitely confront #2 – with some evidence from New Scientist that disproves her random BS theory of superior races.

    As for the pregnancy symptoms- I could say try not to analyse but who I am I kidding? I’d be the same.


  8. Daryl

    Wow. Sounds like it’s time to let these “friends” of yours go. They’re clearly not very supportive, and at a time when you need support the most!

    As for the symptoms, mine are also come-and-go, and it’s driving me crazy! The only two that have been super consistent are constipation and fatigue. If you’re able to sneak in for another ultrasound, just for reassurance, I’d do it!


  9. beingrobinson

    ugh, (some) people are horrible. and clueless. and it stinks. and i hope some truly lovely friends come into your life soon. and i’m hoping so hard for you that everything is okay, so happy for you, but totally understand the fear. hang in there!


  10. theunexpectedtrip

    Man, I want to smack those women! Easier said than done (I know, god how I know) but if you’re looking for straight-up advice, I’d say end that first friendship you described. Yeah—it sounds pretty toxic. She sounds terribly self-centered. As for the second, I’m made speechless by her ignorance and insensitivity—if you can muster it, maybe confront her then decide what to do from there. She sounds horrible, but I realize she must have other qualities/sides I’m not seeing. I’m so sorry you are going through this—I’ve found dealing with falling-outs to be one of the most difficult things about this whole sucky infertility business. So sad that it is so common. Strength to you!


  11. lydiaseeks

    I’d suggest saving your discussion of your pregnancy, infertility and fears/joys with more compassionate friends. These two sound harsh, which is not exactly easy for an infertile. Take some time and distance and reevaluate later…friendships can ebb and flow in ways that romantic relationships can’t. You don’t have to tell these two much about your pregnancy at all, especially if you are getting such block headed comments back. Good luck, it’s not easy, but you sound like a great friend.


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