I have been a writing, studying, house buying, baby growing MACHINE these last few weeks.
Ever since I started studying for the California Bar Exam about 10 days ago, I’ve noticed something amazing happening to my fiction writing. When I sit down to do it, in the small window of time I’ve allotted myself between studying, I actually DO it. And at Chapter 18 (7 more to go), I finally really know my characters and where my story is headed. I can see and feel the end, everything rising and falling like a winter storm wave, then tying together in a calm, satisfying way. Finally, it doesn’t seem insurmountable (though editing the first draft sure does!). And while I may not win a Pulitzer Prize for this one, maybe, just maybe, I’ll actually have a readable somewhat entertaining sense of accomplishment, aka a book, when it’s all edited and done.
As for the California Bar Exam – whew. I’ve finished outlining ONE subject and I’m already pooped. No wonder lawyers get paid as much as they do. Law is hard and complicated and awesome. But my brain is alive with knowledge and hope, hope that I can slay the California Bar Exam like the fire breathing bitch dragon she is. Even with pregnancy brain.
All the while, hubby and I have decided to buy a house. A brand new house. In the suburbs. The very distant suburbs where 95% of the people there have kids too, kids that actually attend public schools because they don’t suck. At first we didn’t think we could afford it, but then we discovered that hubby could borrow some of the down payment from his 401k, which is actually pretty amazing. You borrow from yourself and pay yourself back at a 4% interest rate. It’s exciting, but scary. Right now, hubby can work from a home office and I’m unemployed, so the suburb commute into city jobs doesn’t apply to us. But that’s right NOW. Things can change. Not that we’d be totally screwed if they do, being only, on average, 20 miles away (40 Los Angeles miles) from most major employers, but it’s just a huge THING moving from urban to suburban, from liberal to conservative (the community we’re moving to is mostly right leaning, which is what I grew up around until I slowly started to, and remain, leaning left), and from the coast to the valley where the heat creeps up into the 100’s in the summer. BUT I’ve come to believe that in this life it’s rare that every box can be checked. And the things left on the list can, at the least, make that life very interesting. Plus we’ll have a yard for the dogs (you pet loving condo dwellers will understand WHY this is life changing)! And closet space! And a garage!
And, hopefully, we’ll have the most amazing thing of all a few months after we move in. We’ll have our little girl, and here she’ll cry and laugh and pee herself silly. It doesn’t feel entirely real yet, but it’s starting to feel less unreal, if that makes sense.
My anatomy ultrasound is a week from tomorrow and as my belly grows (finally a real bump!) my fear about this pregnancy diminishes just a little each day (ask me how I feel a week from today as I’m laying on the ultrasound table though). Now if I can just wrap my head around baby showers and the momification process…. one fear door closes, and another one opens. Ever heard that saying, “Nothing is constant, but change?” Well some variation of fear also seems to be pretty constant, if you ask me. And it’s wonderfully okay to be this new kind of afraid. Because I realize how lucky I am to be worried about houses and babies and baby showers and everything that goes along with them in the first place.