When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I joined the Baby Center birth club for November 2013. Then when I miscarried, I joined the Triploidy support message board, where I read stories, shared my own, and received invaluable support from people who had been through the same thing. It helped me in the same way this blog has and I can honestly say I’ve taken the best things about social media and made them work for me in a way that’s been truly cathartic. Through social media I’ve found education, support, laughter, and yet another excellent way to waste time. While too much “browsing” can drive a person crazy, overall I’m so thankful to be a woman today in our information age.
So when I couldn’t sleep last night I posted this in my April 2014 Birth Club:
“Long story short, DH & I moved to a suburb of LA where the schools are great, streets are clean, and big beautiful houses are affordable. I’ve been working part-time on and off for the last year, but mostly off with moving and studying for the bar exam. Since moving I’ve found myself occasionally browsing job listings just to see what, if anything, is out in my new area. Well last week I found the perfect job posting (combines legal and investigative work) ten minutes from home. I applied because I felt I just had too, received a reply in 5-minutes, explained my pregnancy, and now 2 interviews later was offered the job informally (formal offer to come in two weeks) to start in 3-months. My mind is blown because this is an amazing op (location, flexibility, and in the legal field where jobs are scarce), but also because I had previously planned to stay home for the first year. BTDT (Been There Done That) moms who work, how did you do it? Were you still able to breast feed? If so, for how long? Did you choose a nanny or daycare? Did you feel guilty all the time? I need serious advice here!”
So friends, as you can see I got that job! I am still BLOWN AWAY at how right it feels, but how scary it feels too. Usually when one applies to a job via Craig’s List their application gets lost in a sea of hundreds wherein they’re lucky to get 1 response for every 10 applications (that’s been my VERY FRUSTRATING experience at least). ESPECIALLY when applying for legal jobs. In Los Angeles. So the way this all has happened and the fact that I’d be working 10-minutes (in a land that’s notorious for long brutal commutes) from home doing something I think I’ll love is ridiculously awesome.
Except that I am about to have a baby. For the first time. And possibly the last.
When I told my Mom she said: “But you’ll miss so many milestones.” And my heart broke just a little.
We talked it out and she gets it (after all she helped pay for some of my education for which I still have like a gazillion dollars in loan debt despite said help), but she did make me realize that I don’t know how I’m going to feel when Daphne arrives. I already fear I’ll be as ferocious and protective as a lioness. And given my childhood how will I be able to trust a stranger to watch my baby? Which makes me think daycare over nanny since daycares are more regulated, but yet I like the idea of Daphne spending the first year at home where her little immune system can get used to the world. And also having someone here to let the dogs out a few times a day and keep them company would be nice. Plus Merp will work from home twice a week so he can help with feedings and cuddling (assuming we can get D to take both the bottle and the breast. Gulp.) and I’ll eventually be able to work from home occasionally too.
And then there’s the fact that, and I’m embarrassed to admit this for some reason, at this current juncture we don’t really NEED the money. We just sold our condo at a profit. Merp is having an exceptional year. And while the extra mullah would definitely help to bolster our savings and pay down some debt (student loans, which really are the best kind as far as debt is concerned since you can forbear as needed), it’s not required for our very comfortable survival right now. Yet, “right now” is a key phrase that Merp and I have discussed in-depth. His earnings won’t likely be this good for more than a year or two more. And the longer I’m out of the job market the harder it will be to get a good job, let alone a legal one minutes from home. When and if the WANT turns to NEED, desperation could set in forcing me or him to commute long distances to jobs we hate. I see taking this job as a defensive measure. For all of us.
Have I convinced you yet why I plan to absolutely, positively accept their offer in two weeks? Because I think I’ve already convinced myself.
Now this is all assuming that D will be a healthy normal baby. That my boobs will work as they should. That her birth will be uncomplicated. That my body will heal as it should. That I won’t suffer serious postpartum depression (though I do think having an exciting job to look forward to WILL help stave off that condition). That I will be able to make it work. And I remind myself that millions of women, all over the world, despite breastfeeding or lack thereof, despite postpartum issues, have careers and babies too. If they can do it, why can’t I?