That’s Where You’ll Find Me

I just had a moment. A cry your eyes out with-happiness-life-is-so-amazing-o- my-God-I’m-a-mother-type of moment. And what brought this on? Israel Kamakawiwoole’s version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow via my Jack Johnson Pandora station. I picked up the baby with one hand (because I still can, but not for long) and danced her around the living room singing along and bawling. And then I went in to Merp’s office and I told him how much I love him, and the baby, and Hawaii, while sobbing big wet happy tears (had to throw Hawaii in there, because, well, it will ALWAYS be my real home). THIS is what I’ve wanted and believe it or not I had sort of forgotten when I was pregnant or at least detached from it. I spent so much time worrying, fretting, stressing about what kind of mother I’d be, about her pending birth, about the big CHANGE. Maybe I didn’t appreciate every kick like I could’ve. But maybe that was a protective measure, a way to save a little sanity, a way to prepare me for this outpouring of pure, unadulterated love. Because now I’m so full of it and life I can hardly go a day without exploding with joy.  It’s that good. And it’s totally 100% worth fighting for no matter how arduous it was, is, or will be.

I intended my next post to be Birth Story Part 2 about the cold sleepless days following Daphne’s birth in the post partum ward of the hospital. I intended to write about the woes of breast feeding, how I’d yelp in pain each time she’d latch on, how my breasts still spray me and her and everything with milk at least once a day, or more like every time I nurse her. I intended to write about all the things I learned in that first week, like the importance of disposable breast pads (as opposed to the organic reusable ones that suck), of actually being stocked with newborn sized outfits despite everyone saying “they grow out of NB so quickly” except for when they haven’t yet, and the importance of stool softeners even if you didn’t have a c-section (after 9-months of amazingly regular bowel movements I was shitting bullets until recently).

But I’ve about summed up Birth Story Part 2 in one tidy little paragraph above and so for now I leave you  to watch Daphne dream, to hunt around the house for missing baby socks, and to enjoy the rapture that is motherhood. It may not be easy, but for me, it certainly isn’t that hard. Not in the ways I thought it’d be at least.

Then I remember that last April I lost a pregnancy at 7 weeks and that now I am looking down at my little rainbow, my April baby, my pot of gold. And really truly I think to myself what a wonderful world.

 

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9 comments

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  1. gardengirl29

    Aw, that’s so sweet! That song makes me depressed because it sounds so bittersweet, so I thumbs-downed it on my Pandora, ha ha. It makes me feel so sentimental, and I don’t like feeling that way!

    Having a baby is so wonderful and also sad because it is so precious and fleeting. I’m so tired of people reminding me of how fast it all goes. I know that and am making an effort to savor it, so I wish people would stop making me feel sad about it!

    I’m glad you are enjoying Daphne so much!! I felt/feel the same way. I remember holding Everett and listening to lullaby versions of Beatles songs and crying and telling Matt it was because I was so happy.

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  2. cassiedash

    I love that song. LOVE it. And how many times I have had those same sort of lovebursts in the wonderful aftermath of both of my children’s births! I wonder if it’s infertility-related, or if nearly every new mom feels that same joy, in the same incredible intensity?

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  3. josamarie

    Once again, beautifully written!

    Are you struggling with oversupply? We’re battling with spray-the-room let down because evidently I was destined by fate to be a milk cow. I’ve embraced it as a positive thing though and have decided to donate some if the obscene amounts of milk I produce to a local milk bank, so something good from all things, no?

    So happy to see things going to incredibly well, I love reading your updates!

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  4. Steph Mignon

    Yes! I am a total milk cow myself. I am actually ordering more breast pads as we speak. Since I’ll be going back to work I’m trying to pump a little before I nurse (I get like 2 ounces from each boob in mere minutes) and that helps with the let down sometimes. Then there’s that whole foremilk/hindmilk thing and as of now I’ve got a freezer full of foremilk! But it’s still breast milk and better than formula and so will be there if we need it. If we don’t, milk bank here we come! We’re pretty lucky that we’re milk machines even with all the messiness it brings.

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  5. redbluebird

    This is a beautiful post! I’m glad you’re enjoying her. I have those moments of being so in love with my daughter too. I feel like my heart might explode from loving her so much sometimes!
    I’m also curious why you hate the reusable breast pads. I love mine! I have a bunch of disposable ones and hate them!!!

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