I feel silly

For crying about something that’s actually really wonderful.

I’m going to have help. I’m going to have an extra set of hands. I’m going to have another adult to talk to amidst nursing and Elmo. I’m going to learn Spanish. My daughter is going to learn Spanish. Me son too (sooo weird to say!) And maybe we’ll even eat some Paella!

But the gravity of bringing someone else into the fold hit me last night like a bat over the head. And to be honest, it doesn’t take much to make me cry right now.

The other night when reading “Mars Needs Moms”, a hand me down from D’s cousin, I lost it. My 18 month old was looking at me like I was one of the aliens in the book. And that made me cry even harder! She doesn’t understand aliens, but she’s beginning to understand the concept of the “mommy,” beyond just me. She’s fully aware that the mommies on the bus say “shhh shhh shhh” and holds up her shushing finger to prove it. It’s the most adorable thing I have ever f’ing seen.

Something about that though reaches deep into my psyche and twists a knife to the point where it hurst, but in kind of a good way. As her awarness of the world, of the most important roles around her, widens I am filled with awe and wonder and fear and love. Each day for her is like a treasure chest of new experiences and I get to be a part of that, a BIG part of that, because I am her most important guide. I am her mommy. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph that’s some mind blowing $!#%. I am a mom.

Adding to this emotion is all that chaos I’ve been feeling as stated in my A Day In The Life post…

On top of how fat and gross and unsexy and not amazing I have been feeling because pregnancy. I am not blessed with an easy one symptom-wise.

So can anyone blame me for not wanting to add a 25 year old up into the mix when I’m 8 months pregnant? For feeling a little overwhelmed to be relinquishing the intimacy of my family unit of three at exactly when I should be cherishing it?

So, today I came up with a solution.

Our lovely wonderful au pair can come at the end of April instead of in February. After baby boy is born. After we’ve had a few weeks to bond as a family, to ease into our new roles as parts of four.

Because in order to manage two properties, one of which is a short term vacation rental a la air bnb that requires ALOT from me, this is the only way. As you all helped me see, we need her.

And I need to write some better blog posts! Blah. Blah. Blah!

National Blog Post Writing Month is hard y’all. But somehow I’m doing it. And your comments and likes are cheering me on! Thank you.

Xo,

Steph

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11 comments

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  1. hopingonhope

    Happy ro see you cheering up.
    Btw, i hear the terms horn in the bus goes beep beep beep even in my nightmares. Also, why did they have to add EiEiOo to that damned song??
    I am glad though you will have help, 2 under 2 is not for thr faint bearted. The only way to let the elder one still be a child is to bave help, else the child starts belping out.

    Like

    • Steph Mignon

      Hashahahaha I know EXACTLY what you mean. Daphne has been requesting “Old MacDonald,” by saying “Eieio” since she was 12-months old. I thought the phase would be over by now, but kid is obsessed.
      Are you going to have family come help with number 2 is born?

      Like

      • hopingonhope

        Yes. My in laws are here wth me right now and then my parents will join me once the little one is here. i will be alone when the little one is 3 months old, thats when wveryone will get their readers full from the crazy lunatic raving me 🙂

        Like

      • Steph Mignon

        hahaha! I bet it will be interesting to say the least. I am so glad you have family around to help so much. Someday when I am a grandma I hope I can do that for my kids too! It’s a beautiful thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Lauren

    Oh, how well I know some of these emotions! Are little girls are people unto themselves and understand the gravity of “mommy crying” or “mommy owie.” It is frightening and inspiring all at the same time.
    I am also so glad that you have “help on the way”….eventually. We were living with family when Abby was born, and I grieved the loss of just “us” time during those first weeks. The help was wonderful, but I think there is something precious about that first week or two that is lovely to spend just together. I could be wrong (haven’t actually experienced it yet), but it is at least something I idealize 😉
    Amazing that you are 8 months. Hang in there. You are a beautiful, strong mama, and you will see that part of yourself again soon. XOXO

    Like

    • Steph Mignon

      I’m actually not 8-months yet, but I will be when our au pair arrives. In some ways I think the value of help, especially with two kids, will outweigh the need for that alone time. I guess we’ll see!

      Like

      • Lauren

        That makes sense! Well, she is still not “family,” and so probably has a much better sense of boundaries and privacy. I think I will hire a postpartum doula during that time for just that reason. I’m so glad you are not 8 months yet! Somehow I thought I had lost several months of your pregnancy! Instead, I’m apparently having “pregnancy brain” for you! So sorry 😦

        Like

  3. melliempa

    I’m late to the game readying these posts, but thought I would share our experience. Our au pair from Germany came to us in July when our little daughter was only 6 weeks old. I had every single concern you had – particularly with having to LIVE with someone in my space. I actually freaked out the day she arrived (privately). Fast forward to now, and it was absolutely the best decision we made. We absolutely love her and by establishing boundaries early, it makes a big difference. Two children are a whole new ballgame and once this little one arrived, it was nice to have someone give my little boy some extra attention and keep him busy while you’re in the dredges with your new little one.

    We’re already planning to extend her. Let me know if you have any questions. We went through culture care.

    Like

    • Steph Mignon

      Thank you so very very much for this comment. I love hearing about positive experiences like this one. I also talked to my au pair about my concerns pretty openly and even cried a little. This helped me feel so much better! We went through au pair care because that’s where my friend got her au pair and has had such a lovely experience, but I am so glad to hear you have enjoyed yours with cultural au pair as it’s nice to know there are options!

      Like

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