Sad, but true

The ECV didn’t work, but it wasn’t that painful, so at least there’s that.

After two attempts, one to the left and one to the right, my doctor was unable to get baby L’s head past the mid line. He just kept popping right back to the belly button area where he’s been for awhile now. Frustrating.

The next day my tummy was sore, and my heart was too (still is actually).

I’m really, really, REALLY sad to report that I scheduled a c-section for 3/30. The thought of a major abdominal surgery, 4-days in the hospital away from my baby girl, the painful recovery, the missing microbial benefits for my boy, the scar – ALL OF IT – just make me want to cry. I’m on the verge right this second, but I just can’t anymore.

The worst part though is that he’s breech at all. It’s making me worry so much. The higher rate of defects associated with breech babies is terrifying. My Google mania has made me realize that there’s so much they can miss on anatomy scans and prenatal testing. Stats don’t comfort me. Anecdotal evidence doesn’t comfort me. Months of healthy scans and blood tests don’t comfort me. I’m a mess!

This time around I’ve had such a stress free pregnancy until the last few weeks! I’ve practiced feeding the good wolf. I’ve learned about positive thinking. I’ve read about the law of attraction. But now I’m miserable. Sad. Worried. Anxious. Unhappy. Irritable. It comes and goes throughout the day, but I’m always brought back to worry. Because at this point, what can positive thinking change? I can hope for the best, but I can’t fix anything if it’s already broken.

I’ve even asked my doctor if I can have another level two ultrasound to see if they missed anything. Why would this help? Because at least we’d be able to mentally prepare a little bit if something IS wrong. We’ll see what she says tomorrow. The only thing working for me is that I don’t have a gut feeling one way or another – things COULD be totally fine, but I’m just so freaked out that this isn’t going as I thought it would. Not the peaceful, joyous final pregnancy I had planned for.

I’m also considering a second ECV at 39 weeks the day of my scheduled c-section. This time with an epidural (which makes them more successful). This time with another doctor assisting my own (Kim K. had 3 kicking her baby’s little butt into place). That’s part of why I want a second level 2 scan – it should be able to see if there’s a short cord or something else preventing my boy from moving. I certainly won’t have a second ECV without one, because doing so without further exploration seems too risky.

If I wasn’t sure about being done having children, now I am. I can’t do this again. The worrying is far worse than the months of morning sickness, the weight gain, and all the aches and pains associated with pregnancy.

I believed in my heart that eating, thinking, and living healthy would be all I needed to nurture a healthy pregnancy and a happy ending, now I’m not so sure…

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17 comments

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  1. jebhow515

    I was breech and my mama pushing me out of her vajay. I had a csection with all of your same concerns. My boy is beyond perfect. Yours will be too. The worst part by far is the recovery from the surgery. My hospital let me go home as soon as I peed and pooped! So only 3 nights. 2 whole days. I came late Tuesday and left early Friday. Sorry they won’t give you a choice. It sucks. But he may still turn. I will cross my fingers for you!!!!

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  2. cassiedash

    I feel sad for you, Steph. I know this has to be so hard on your heart. Both of my first two full-term pregnancies were full of stressful “surprises” around every corner and it was miserable and heartbreaking. Disappointing too, because I so desperately wanted to enjoy whatever days or weeks I had left of such a special experience. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    I hope that you’re able to do whatever you need to in order to get some peace of mind, whether it be another ultrasound, another ECV attempt or whatever. Chances are that everything is perfectly fine (my mom was born breech and is A-okay), but I understand your fears and worries and know that Google only has a way of perpetuating them.

    And if you do end up with a c-section, perhaps you could ask for a “gentle cesarean” or “family-centered cesarean” so that you can possibly enjoy the experience more if that’s what you want. And I do hope that you’ll take special care in looking after yourself, not only physically but emotionally so that you can find peace and healing in your heart as you grieve the loss of the birth experience you were hoping for.

    Again, I’m so sorry, Steph. Sending you lots of love.

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  3. Mamalife

    I am sorry about the whole situation steph but let nature take its course. Just because baby is breech doesnt mean he has a problem, it just means he is cozy where he is.

    Ive been through 3 major abdominal surgeries nd I can assure you its not as big a deal people make it to be. You will be fine and everything will be good. Good Luck!

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  4. Lauren

    I’m so sorry! That sucks. I’ve been a birth doula the past two years, so I get to see amazing powerful mamas have to mold their birth visions around new situations all of the time. And my heart hurts. And knows there won’t be any escaping all of the unknowns for me the next time around either. Big hugs to you! And amazing birth wishes for a gentle, beautiful day – no matter what that looks like.

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    • Steph Mignon

      Hello dear friend! Thank you so much for this comment. I am very sad, but this is a good lesson in life: we can’t control the outcome. BTW, I’ve been following your every blog and am soooo excited for you!

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    • Steph Mignon

      I am so glad you shared this. I was leaning toward NOT doing another one, but this, and discussions with my husband, have lead me to peace with my scheduled c-section. Thanks again for sharing!

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  5. journeyformybaby

    Aw. I had Tru section. He was breech but would have been section regardless. My experience wasn’t bad but I understand all of your reasons for being sad. It was hard for me to come to terms with missing out on the natural birth I wanted regardless of having my healthy baby in the end. It is something I had to grieve a bit. I’m fine now of course. 🙂 But I do understand.

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  6. theunexpectedtrip

    I understand and am so sorry you are dealing with this!! I had a scheduled C-section. It was hard for me….it took several months to feel ok about some stuff but now I can say that that time had its own magic. S wasn’t breech but he was born with microtia of one ear (malformed) and one hand that is smaller than the other…mention this just to say–even if your babe does have birth defects (no reason that’ll happen tho) you will go through so many changes and will see whatever it is as just one more lovable, unique part of your child. I can’t imagine S without his “seashell” ear—it’s him. And no one seems to notice anyway bc the kid is a knockout! 🙂 I don’t take birth defects lightly, but I also don’t think of them with such gravity as I used to. In any case I just wanted to send you strength, peace, and love as you get through this time! Seek the magic. It’ll come. Xoxoxo

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  7. Steph Mignon

    Awe thanks so much for sharing! Your little guy sounds so amazing and I have so enjoyed hearing about him growing. Of course, I hope for a baby with no problems at all, but things like hip displaysia, common in breech babies wouldn’t be so bad! I’m reframing how I think about it too. And of course there’s alittle guilt because as much research as I did about prenatals and how healthy I ate, there’s always a chance that he could have problems. But then I have to remind myself that my cousin’s wife took vitamins and so did my friend, and both of their kids have heart defects so the process of gestational development is SO NOT straight forward! Everything points to healthy, other than his position, so I will hope for the best, but comments like yours are helping me realize that love and magic can come in many different presentations.

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  8. Kitten

    I’m so sorry it didn’t work. I think your plan to ask for another scan and another ECV the day of your Cesarean is a good one. I know you’re still processing this, and you have every right to feel angry and scared, but it’s entirely possible to have a good Cesarean birth experience. That said, I know how hard it can be to come to terms with it, especially when you had visions of a birth that was pretty much the complete opposite. I’ve been there!

    I have never heard that breech babies are at risk for defects. My daughter was breech, and a planned Cesarean birth, and she was perfectly healthy. She even took to breastfeeding like a champ, as soon as I got back to my room from surgery. My body healed well. On the whole, I had a very good experience. And my hospital doesn’t even do “gentle C-section,” though they did honor some of my requests to make it as gentle as possible and give me as much contact with my baby as possible.

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